Baghdad
by GleeGeneration23
Summary: 5x22-Art of War-AU-What if Linda had died? Over the years Jack Reagan develops a strong sense of grief, anger, loyalty and blame towards his family and the world. A more in-depth look into the mind of Danny Reagan's eldest son and the moments that shaped him. (Because Jack is probably my favourite character) Warnings-Language/Mentions of War, Please Read And Review


**Hi so here is another long oneshot-i love the character of Jack I think he has so much potential and when I was watching the finale I wondered what would happen if Linda died and how the kids would cope-taking it from experience I tried to write about Jack placing all the blame on his family rather than deal with his emotions.**

 **I do love both the characters of Frank and Erin but I have to admit they were both so irritating in the finale-Frank openly dictating Danny about procedure when he has more than once told Danny to do whatever it takes to get answers from a Perp was hypocritical as was the whole scene where he yelled at Gormley. I've been on the fence about Erin since Mid-Season 3 but I thought the way she let Danny and Maria take the blame for letting Mario Hunt go was wrong as well as the scene where she consistently tells tales on her brother. And i'm sorry! The man's wife had just been shot shouldn't he not be working the case? To me a lot of it didn't make sense.**

 **So I took all the negative feels and came up with this, I think Jack is about fifteen-I wrote that he blamed Frank for giving the order (as Police Commissioner I reckon he must have done or at least had some say in what his daughter was going to do) to let Mario Hunt go and then I wrote in the fact that Linda was just collateral damage (As far as I am aware Mario Hunt told his boss about the whiteness as soon as he was out of Police Custody and that was why their was a hit?)**

 **Like I said this is just my interpretation of a head-cannon of mine that I expanded and exploited-bit's of this are AU and all of it is from Jack's perspective, I hoped I portrayed the characters accurately.**

 **I am not an expert in the USMC so I have apologise if anything about Jack's career seems inaccurate- I thought with most of the family in some part of the Armed Forces that Jack would follow in their footsteps.**

 **The title of this fic comes from a quote made by General John. F. Kelly a Marine General that for some reason I found rather interesting (and yes I am a week away from resit exams and writing 5K worth of fic based on a minor character and looking up bizarre military quotes) when asked about the Marine's in Iraq he said** _**"Hell these are Marines. Men like them held Guadalcanal and took Iwo Jima. Baghdad ain't shit."**_

 **For some reason I felt like that fit.**

 **Disclaimer-I own nothing but my OC'S Theresa Jackson, Jack's kids, JJ and Riley and anyone else who has never been mentioned on the show.**

 **Right now I am in the middle of planning a story called 'Missing Moments' this is any scene season 1-5 that you felt there was a scene missing-just send in the name of the episode, the number and the scene you felt was missing and I'll add it to the list!** **Please Read and** **Review**

 **PS the Title of this is still Baghdad Aint Shit-Titles on the outside is just Baghdad literally because Fanfiction threatened to remove it if the 'Aint Shit' bit wasn't removed**

* * *

Baghdad Aint Shit.

5x22-Art of War-AU-What if Linda had died? Over the years Jack Reagan develops a strong sense of grief, anger, loyalty and blame towards his family and the world. A more in-depth look into the mind of Danny Reagan's eldest son and the moments that shaped him. (Because Jack is probably my favourite character)

* * *

Jack is seven when his Uncle Joe dies. He remembers the phone going off making him sit up in bed. He knows he's late because the alarm clock shows a number he's not familiar with in any capacity other than his Maths book.

He hears his mom answer the phone padding to the door watching her from the corner. She gasps dropping the phone to the floor before picking it up again her voice taking on an _awful_ tone.

"Oh God Danny" there was a pause "Yeah…yeah I can wake them up and get them to your Dad's…Oh God _Daniel._ Be safe please."

She turns around wiping her face with her hands and stops when she sees Jack watching her in the doorway. And just like that Jack Reagan knows that someone in the family isn't going to be there on Sunday.

When his Pops-his face a whiter colour than Jack has ever seen it sits him Sean and Nikki down in the living room each of them a combination of sleepy and yet wired up and tells them that a bad man has sent Uncle Joe to heaven Jack isn't surprised. Sean and Nikki both cry on their Mom's shoulders but Jack doesn't-instead he goes and sits on the bottom of the stairs and waits until his Dad gets in.

When his Dad eventually shows he glances at Jack before his face crumples slightly. The two of them stare at each other before Jack runs upstairs suddenly wanting nothing more than to hide and wait till the monsters disappear.

He thinks looking back that might have been the day his innocence was broken.

* * *

Jack watches from the side-lines mostly. He sees his Mom and Dad triumph through everything life throws at them. It makes him smug for some sick reason when he sees Nikki who doesn't know what that's like.

He gets irritated though, easily, he gets some itching in his bones to do something shocking, he sits in Church and goes through the motions, goes through the motions in school and tries hard without really being inspired by anything. He wants to get the fuck out of New York-he tells Charlotte this when they have their second date. She nods her blonde hair flying but he can tell she doesn't understand.

Most people want to live in New York-they don't want to leave it.

He wonders briefly when Nikki has the whole family's attention about College. He mentions medical school once to keep his family off his back but he has a sinking feeling that by the time he's twenty five he's gonna be a NYPD cop with a wife, from a nice Catholic family that keeps her mouth shut and knows how to cook and clean for her Cop husband and turns up to Sunday Dinner and Church with his three kids dressed and acting appropriately.

That might be good for some people but it's not good enough for him-that makes him feel sick.

But he doesn't have to worry about ending up like his parents so much-because when he's fifteen his mom dies.

* * *

He knows something is wrong. This whole Don Kent thing has the family tense and unfriendly. A sea of land mines in a field. He personally thinks his Dad is a fucking fantastic cop and that Aunt Erin doesn't have a clue but heaven forbid he say anything when his Grandpa is in that mood. Even Nikki (the favourite) and Sean (the baby) are snapped at.

He's at his Grandpa's house (both his parents working) when the phone rings. He opens his eyes and his seven again watching his Grandpa on the phone how his body slumps into himself and his voice breaks.

He turns around looking tired and sad and comes face to face with Jack watching him leaning against the doorframe. He hears his Pops and Sean come out their respective rooms but he can't take his eyes of his Grandpa's face and his Grandpa can't take his eyes of his.

He nods to himself some numbing feeling spreading throughout his bones and he honestly doesn't know how he keeps standing. He turns around and walks away head held high. He goes and lies down on his bed staring at the ceiling not really seeing it, wrapping his arms around himself.

He knows what's happened.

One of his parent's isn't coming home tonight.

* * *

His Dad tries to speak to him but Jack doesn't listen to him. His Mom was shot and killed. He knows she was in pain at the end, knows it wasn't peaceful, knows It was messy and bloody and painful with his Dad having to be held back and his Grandpa sweeping in fully dressed to take control of a situation he created.

His Dad looks one step away from collapsing but Jack doesn't comment on the fact that he's going back out to catch his wife's killer. His Aunt Erin moves to his Grandpa warning him that everything has to be by the book and Jack wants to shout out _'Why the fuck should that matter know?'_ and why doing it the way _'Chief Kent would'_ applies to this alien situation but he can't…he can't find his voice.

"You Ok Buddy?" Uncle Jamie asks later when Jack still hasn't moved from the couch his arms still wrapped around himself. He looks up, past Uncle Jamie to his Grandpa who is watching him intently. He switches his eyes to his Uncle Jamie's kind face and swallows. It takes him two goes to get the words out.

"I wanna go for a run"

His Uncle Jamie goes with him, "I'll come with you buddy ok?" his voice so kind and reassuring that Jack feels like everything is going to be ok. He picks up on the strange looks he's given, Pops has Sean in the kitchen making him sandwiches but Jack isn't sure if he can ever eat again.

He and Uncle Jamie run, they run from the house to Times Square and then Uncle Jamie takes him on a run down the pier and then down some streets frequented by law enforcement. They run until his Uncle makes him stop and then Jack realises that it's been nearly two hours and he's shaking and drenched in sweat and his legs are about to give out.

"Sorry" he mumbles but his Uncle Jamie just nods and directs him to a Starbucks passing him a bottle of water and a banana nut muffin "Eat" he instructs "And if you want I can do one more mile and then run back"

They don't do the one more mile but they make it back and when he goes into the shower every bone in his body aching Jack feels like he's washed off his old self again.

He's not Jacky Reagan anymore the little boy that toddled around and thought his Grandpa was the coolest. He's Jack Reagan, fifteen, motherless and filled with some emotion that makes him want to break something.

He never wears his glasses again.

* * *

They get Mario Hunt eventually. They get him on the murder of Chief Kent which seems to be the only thing that matters to his Aunt and Grandpa, he confesses to ordering the hit on the witness. The fact that his mother was cannon-fodder, collateral damage makes him even angrier.

The anger is good. Makes the pain go away.

He runs again. The morning before the funeral he runs and runs and runs until he ends up at One Police Plaza. Garrett Moore who Jack's only met a few times takes one look at him ushers him up to the fourteenth floor, rings his father to reassure him that he's alive and in one piece and offers him a scotch.

He looks at the amber liquid and feels something drip down his face that he knows isn't water or sweat. The shaking in his limbs isn't because he's overworked himself. Garrett Moore in his expensive suit wraps his arms around his shivering, sweating body and lets him shudder it out.

He then makes sure Jack drinks the scotch, it burns but it's bearable.

The funeral is nice he supposes-he was too young to remember much of Uncle Joe's but the turnout is impressive and everyone is in uniform. Sean spends the majority of the service curled up against his father while Jack sits on the end and feels out of place. His Grandpa says a few words and something curls inside him that feels sour. His Grandpa doesn't have the right to say anything.

The burial is easy, simple, quick and painless. His Dad offers him the shovel and he shoves some dirt in over the box that his mother is resting in. The sour feeling intensifies.

He couldn't have said more than seven words since his mother died.

* * *

Their eating. Like any other Sunday Dinner, telling stories and jokes and celebrating his mom's life. There are guest here, but they've gone, Maria, Eddie, Garrett Moore, the latter passing him a small hipflask and pulling him into a hug. Maria spends a long time with his Dad before she leaves her eyes over bright; Renzulli and Gormley go soon after followed by Abigail Baker and then Eddie.

Then finally they are alone.

There eating the leftovers. Chicken Pie and Spaghetti Carbonara with Vanilla Ice Cream and Pecan Pie for desert and it takes Jack an absurdly long time to get why. There his Mom's favourite foods. There sat there, his family sitting and laughing while pigging their way through the food their Mom used to cook for them.

His fork clatters to the floor. Everyone turns to look.

"Jack?" his Dad asks gently next to the empty seat, his hand claps around his neck pulling him closer but Jack moves the sour feeling intensifying and he barely makes it to the kitchen before he throws up, the pie and the pasta and the scotch, his whole body shuddering as he retches and retches.

His Dad wraps two strong arms around him and runs his fingers through his curly hair and mutters soft nothings to him as his family watch in the doorway.

* * *

Life goes on because life was designed too. There are other cases, other occasions missed. Jack spends time with Nick and Charlotte and Sean spends time with his new friend Alex who makes him smile again. His Dad buries himself in work but is always there for them.

The night before Jack graduates Charlotte breaks up with him and tells him that she and Nick have been an item for a while. He stares at her blankly before congratulating them.

He wasn't bothered or anything-nothing bothers him anymore.

That night at his Grandpa's house he breaks out Garrett's hipflask untouched after three years and downs the lot. While his family are out in the backyard he helps himself to a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue, sticking it in his bag. He drinks half of it that night and buries the other half under a loose floorboard.

He wakes up the next morning with a motherfucking hangover.

Nikki silently slips him some aspirin at Church the next day her expression soft but teasing as if to say she's been there.

She hasn't-both her parents are still alive.

"You sure you're ok?" his Dad asks once he finds out about the breakup. He chooses his moment when Jack is flipping through college brochures utterly uninterested. He pats Jack on the shoulder pulling his face so their face to face "I want you to always feel like you can talk to me"

He shakes his father off looking at him for the first time in a long time "I don't want to be a doctor and I don't want to go to college" he says truthfully. His Dad pauses "Ok…but take some time to make sure that's what you want…if you want I could speak to a couple of people at the Academy?"

Jack rolls his eyes smiling broadly. His Dad takes this as a good sign doesn't seem to understand that Jack now wants nothing to do with the NYPD. Ever.

"Can I borrow your car?" he asks "I wanna do some driving clear my head?" his Dad nods looking pleased "Yeah-I have the day off so take my unmarked one"

When he gets in the car he has fifty bucks, a hipflask and his phone.

He drives around New York until it gets dark and then sleeps in the car. The next morning he wakes up with a clear head and a clear mind and drives to the Marine Recruitment Station.

They take him on the spot.

It's Sunday so he goes to his Grandpa's. He barely gets inside before his Dad's arms are around him so tight he can barely breathe.

"Where the hell have you been?" he snarls and Jack shrugs body still on its adrenaline high, he sees his Grandpa in the background and when his Dad pulls back it's him he focuses on because he wants to rip something out of the old man and see if he keeps standing.

"I enlisted"

* * *

Sean tells him he's a fucking moron and his Dad yells at him straight for six hours, his Grandpa tells him this is a big commitment and he ignores the lot of them something in his body finally making him stop. Making him feel happy.

His body and mind are fucked up to be fair.

He gets to Parris Island and goes through something that can only be described as hell. He was always quite a good runner but this is something different. He runs, lifts, climbs, drowns, breaks down and then rebuilds himself. He wants to leave nearly every day until the last day when he realises that he actually doesn't hate this.

His whole family turn up at Graduation, his Dad looks like he might cry at any minute and Sean hugs him, he's taller shooting up like a weed. Nikki's married to a Rookie Cop she met in Columbia and Uncle Jamie is now with Eddie and their now expecting a baby. His Grandpa hugs him through the uniform and Jack's stomach turns. He doesn't want his Grandpa touching him.

He gets into the school of Infantry and signs up for the Reconnaissance Course, he's already the best but why not be the best of the best? That means a shit load of work, Airborne, Sniper, Combat Diving, and a shitload of other things, but he finds he actually enjoys the work and the training.

By the time he's twenty Jack Patrick Reagan is a Force Reconnaissance Marine. That's the good news. The bad news, he's probably going to war.

He wonders what his Mom would make of him now and promptly stops thinking.

* * *

Several things happen in his first tour, one he sees war and death up close and personal in a way that being the son of a NYPD cop had never gotten him and two-he meets his wife.

Theresa Mai Jackson is one of the battalion's surgeons, a brilliant female who can walk into a trauma room and be completely undeterred by the blood splattered around her.

Jack meets her after an IED device goes off blowing up the guy in front of him in a foot patrol, as RTO he's now given temporary command of his vehicle and team and he sets about making sure that the other guys are being looked after before a blonde Doctor in a uniform her hair in a ponytail showing she was probably sleeping before this went off forces him to sit down so she can take a look at his blood splattered face.

"Your fucking lucky" she says grimly and Jack grins through the blood because doesn't he fucking know it.

He makes excuses to see her again before being sent to Australia with the rest of the guys on a well-earned break that comes at a bloody cost, she's busy dressing some poor guys burnt arm before he manages to ask her if she's going as well.

She looks at him like he's stupid, he feels it. She tells him yes and he asks her to meet him for a drink his stomach doing something very strange. She eyes him up and down before nodding once.

At least something good comes out of this shit.

They meet in a bar, she's out of her uniform in a black dress that shows of her blonde hair perfectly and his mouth goes dry. She downs her tequila in less than a second without even flinching and Jack's suddenly convinced that she's the one for him.

"Why are you here doing this?" he asks, what he wants to say is ' _Why is someone as pretty as you doing this, being here, training to be a surgeon in a war?_ ' but he's seen her in action and doesn't doubt that she can remove certain parts of his body and have them on the Black Market before he wakes up.

"Because I can" she says finally downing down another shot with impressive speed "Because I want to be the best…" she sighs "Bullshit" she says more to herself. "I wanted out of New York City and to be the best, to be better than my father-and believe me he's a pretty good surgeon"

She eyes him critically "Why the hell are you doing this?" she asks and Jack shrugs "My Mom died and I blamed my Grandpa…I do blame my Grandpa…I was…I would have done a lot worse if I'd had stayed in New York"

It takes another tour before he finally asks her to marry him, another tour of dead bodies and sneaking around whenever they can and blood and missions and even then she says no.

She simply tells him she's pregnant.

He's on a deep sea diving mission with four guys when his LT pulls him aside and tells him he has a son.

Theresa calls the baby Joe. He calls him JJ. His Dad is thrilled.

Sean takes that moment on the phone to tell him he's gay.

Jack nearly slams his head into the wall but doesn't.

With great difficulty.

* * *

Theresa gets out because she's Theresa and she gets a job at Memorial leading the Trauma surgeon team. She saves lives. Jack goes back on tour three.

When JJ is three she tells him one night in their apartment in New York that she's pregnant again.

This time he really is thrilled.

It's another boy and he's actually here for this one, he calls the baby Riley in honour of his Grandma who he did like. He does all the appropriate things he does when his family arrive and smiles. He moves out the way so his Grandpa doesn't get to touch him.

"Are you ok?" his Dad asks when there back at his place and Jack's on his fourth whiskey. He shrugs. He's not ok. He blames his Grandpa for his Mom's death, he places the blame completely on him, Erin (he cannot call her his Aunt) doesn't do anything without telling her father first and he knows that Grandpa gave the go-ahead to have Mario Hunt released. He knows that without the release, Hunt would have never had his boss issue a hit on the witness and his Mom would have never been killed. He's read and re-read the case file a hundred times.

Sean tells him it was an accident but Jack doesn't believe in it, he knows he has to have someone to blame, accidents like his Mom being caught in the crossfires shouldn't happen. He wonders what will happen if he admits one day what it was.

He thinks it's better to focus all his anger and blame on his Grandpa.

He gets wounded on his fourth tour, it's a bullet through the arm but the pesky bullet stays in meaning he has to be evacuated to a Navy Hospital and then back to the States.

The drugs knock him out but when he wakes up he hears Theresa snapping at the Doctors demanding all sorts of medical shit he still doesn't understand. When she catches him looking at her she hides her fear. "Ask me" she says simply and Jack raises a drugged eyebrow

"What?" he asks and she shrugs "Ask me"

Oh.

"You gonna marry me Jackson?" he asks and she pauses, nods and then kisses him.

"Cretan" she snaps later nudging the bullet wound. He thinks that's nothing compared to what his father is going to do.

* * *

He gets home and settles into civilian life, he's been offered a year sabbatical to recover and he realises it's the longest time he's had in New York since he enlisted nearly seven years ago. He gets to spend time with his kids and marry his girl.

The rest of his mates that can make the wedding don't rack up as huge a drinking bill as he expected. Things might just be going right for a change.

So naturally there is a confrontation.

It's been building for nearly a decade, ever since Jack looked at his Grandpa that night of the phone call. It's been building and more fuels been added and Jack knows the inevitable conversation will happen soon.

It's a Sunday when it happens, a nice spring day and the kids are out playing, his cousins Katy, his sons JJ and Riley, Nikki's boys Connor and Matt and her little toddler named 'Reagan'. It's a girl's name apparently.

He's flicking through his emails in the kitchen reading up on mission that should be open to him when he senses his Grandpa at the door; he's in a brown polo and light brown pants and has his glasses and a glass of scotch and he's watching Jack from the door.

"I think we need to talk" he says finally and Jack looks up to see his Dad, Pops and Theresa watching from the window before they all disappear.

"No we don't" he says through his teeth.

"Yeah Jack I think we do…you think I didn't notice the fact that you resented me before you enlisted? And now you flinch when I go near your boys and you don't let me touch you…so whatever you have to say, say it"

He pauses "Is it about Lin…"

Jack cuts him off with a smooth and calm "You got my Mom killed"

To his Grandpa's credit he doesn't flinch just steps into the kitchen even as Jack takes a step back looking for all viable escape routes. He drops his scotch on the counter sitting down to look at him face to face. His Grandpa looks older but he still has that commanding presence most officers don't have.

"I'm sorry you feel that way" he says finally and Jack laughs before he can stop himself a horrible choking laugh that wrenches himself out of his lungs before he can control it.

He pulls himself together rapidly "You really didn't pick up on that?" he asks giggling manically "You're the face of the NYPD and you didn't pick up on the fact that your own grandson hates you? You're not sorry, you know it's true, that's why you struggle to look Dad in the eye why you were so accepting of Sean's sexuality…"

"I never had a problem with Sean's…" but Jack cuts him off feeling like the dam has been liberated.

"Erin does Jack Shit without you there to give your blessing" he spits out his hands trembling "You knew the second Hunt walked he would be out of New York and back to licking his leaders boots, you knew there would be a hit going out and Mom…it had to all be done your way didn't it? Chief- _fucking-_ Kent's way, heaven forbid you actually trust your own son? She died Grandpa, she died scared and alone and bleeding because you…YOU…let the guy walk out the door because everything had be done your way. So don't you _dare_ stand there and blame or judge me for anything! My Mom died because of _you._ It's your fault" he goes in for the kill because that's what he's trained to do.

"Just like Uncle Joe was"

He's there trembling like he's just ran the whole eight miles again when he realises Theresa and his Dad and Erin and the rest of the family are watching him. His eyes don't leave his Grandpa's face. "I'm fucking done" he says finally reaching for his jacket and car keys. "I am so _fucking_ done"

He slams the door shut loudly on his way out.

* * *

He ends up at One Police Plaza-he gives Garrett back his flask kept from all those years ago and then drives to the cemetery-he hasn't been there since the funeral. She's buried next to Uncle Joe and Jack sits there lights up a cigarette and thinks back on the one big cluster fuck his life has become.

This is where Theresa finds him three hours later and that is when Jack finally cries, for his Mom, for that little boy that lost his Mom, for his family for the messed up shit he went through and for himself, hot angry tears that slide down his face and don't stop.

Theresa just holds him and lets him get it out.

There had been a quote once going around the Battalion and Jack hadn't though much of it until now. A General had once said something about the Marine's in Iraq and if they could cope with the fighting and he'd said in response _"Hell these are Marines. Men like them held Guadalcanal and took Iwo Jima. Baghdad ain't shit."_

Baghdad aint got shit on what he's been through.

* * *

His Dad arrives the next day his whole body a tight line of tension, if he was expecting a fight he didn't get it, Jack isn't entirely sure that he can ever put up a fight again. When his Dad sees him he can tell he's shocked. He's slouched on the chair outside on the balcony wrapped in his jacket and bare feet and tired. _God how he is tired._

"Jesus Jack" he says finally "Why the hell didn't you tell me any of this?" he shrugs because honestly what is he supposed to say?

"Baby?" his Dad croons letting Jack rest his head on his shoulder and letting him close his eyes.

When he does all he sees is his Mom, lying on the floor blood pouring out of every bullet hole, wide blue eyes and stained scrubs, he thinks how all of this could have been avoided and how unfair it is.

How the hell is he supposed to bring up kids in a world where that can happen at any given time?

* * *

His Grandpa comes over the next day. Jack doesn't know why, if he thinks that everything is going to be suddenly forgotten, that Jack isn't going to forget about a decade long hatred that is draining every emotion he ever had then his Grandpa's insane.

But he doesn't do anything. Jack's sat on the couch his legs tucked up under him feeling tired. It's like the last decade of suppressed emotion has come back up to haunt him. He's bottled it all up and now it's all out there and finally he is blown wide open and he's shockingly vulnerable.

His Grandpa sits down next to him for a long time before he speaks. "I'm sorry"

And then the damn breaks, the anger the hurt and the pain draining out of him like water exploding out of a river. He shudders with a decade's worth of grief and there's this sound-like screaming and he cannot for the life of him find out where that noise is coming from.

It turns out that noise is him. That noise is Jack screaming until he has no voice left and the only thing he has left to cling on is the feel of his Grandpa's strong arms wrapped around him.

* * *

He's there when Mario Hunt dies. He watches the injection go in; apparently taking part in the killing of a federal employee like Chief Kent means a lethal injection.

His Dad is in the front row, Sean on one side, Grandpa on the other; he sits in the back and grips Theresa's hand. When he gets home he reads to the boys and orders pizza and he finally learns how to smile probably again.

He won't ever be the same fifteen year old he was before May 1st that day which lives in infamy for him but he can damn well try.

He can breathe probably again.

He supposes that's all that matters.

* * *

Life moves on-he supposes that's inevitable, he doesn't resent it like he used to do. He does his fifth tour and then throws in his dog tags, he doesn't know what the hell he's gonna do now but he's thirty one with an impressive military streak and two fairly young children so he reckons he has the time to figure it out.

Life he realises one day as he smokes outside looking over the city is a series of moments that all inevitably lead up to one…this is his…

* * *

 **And on that note I end (and pray for Season 6)**

 **Let me know what you think-Feedback is adored.**


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